Taking Back My Body

I wrote this song about a #metoo date rape situation I experienced in the past, and am using it to promote Sexual Assault Awareness Month this April, 2020. It’s a self-empowering anthem stating that you never have to be a victim to your pain or trauma. I also hope it sends out strength to all of us affected by COVID-19. Bad things happen to all of us, no matter the scale, but time and action can heal all.

After this experience happened, I moved to LA a couple months later. At first it was hard, I was miserable. I would look in the mirror and hate myself every day, feeling like I couldn’t escape my pain, especially because I wasn’t telling anyone about it. I don’t even  think I realized yet what had happened, but I knew something was off. Maybe I suppressed it because I wasn’t ready to face the reality. My self-worth was at an all-time low, I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning. Every time I opened my eyes, a huge weight of exhaustion hit me.

I would compare myself to other women and wonder why I couldn’t be like them or just be who I wanted to be. When I did eventually face reality, I thought I was to blame for my situation. I thought I was stupid. I thought this person had taken something from me. That they had invaded my body and spirit, and now I was empty and worthless.

I was living alone, and after a while I found the courage to make a self-care routine consisting of a workout schedule, a raw food and vegan diet, and dove into my passions including music, fashion, veganism, meditation and Pilates. Given that this decision was sparked by anger and jealousy, it led to the most amazing thing: loving myself, but more importantly what to do to love myself. It was a full-time job that required upkeep, patience and awareness with myself every minute of every day.

As I was consistent with my new, healthy lifestyle, I eventually realized the root of my problem and what had happened to me. But I learned if you gently give yourself the time and space you need, take action to make yourself feel good and avoid things or people that don’t, you can control your happiness. So, I did. I was happier, lighter and freer than ever, buzzing with energy. As everyday went by I felt better and better. I healed myself by feeding my body and soul in every way I could – even if it literally meant hugging myself, just simply because I needed a hug. I patiently gave my inner child everything it needed, and for the amount of pain and damage it was under, it needed a lot. I was gentle with myself, which made me come out even stronger, and I was finally able to positively relate with others and be who I wanted to be.

During and after this part of my journey, in the very beginning of my music career, I started working with a team who did not have my best interest. I think that was my test. A test to use my new-found self-respect to set boundaries from toxic people. When I let go of that team and every single toxic person in my life, I finally felt empowered. After this, a miracle happened when I found my brand new team and accomplished more than ever. I found people that actually lifted me up. I learned that I decide who I let in my life, I decide what’s right for me, I get to call the shots and I get to say no to things that don’t feel right. I developed the self-trust I needed to listen to my gut instinct and my body’s response to right and wrong.

It is hard to share the truth about this song, but as we all find ourselves inside during quarantine, we can take this time to love ourselves. Since my intention is to free, empower, heal and elevate the world, I am coming right out with this message. Especially now with the virus. It’s time to fight. It’s time to put your health first. It’s time to be strong and take the right actions. If you’re feeling grief, pain, or in the shadows, it’s time to love and be gentle with yourself. If you’re in a relationship with a toxic person it’s time to find a way out. You are not alone and you are never trapped. Evil doesn’t deserve to win. Don’t let it steal who you are, don’t let it own you. Don’t let any sort of pain or trauma inflicted onto you, define you.

Unfortunate situations like mine or really anything else, never have to take from you, you can turn it into an opportunity to see and accept more of yourself. You can turn it into strength and empathy for someone that needs you. All you have to do is listen to your gut and give yourself what you need. If you fill your glass, you can spread your light to everyone around you, even to those who put you down or are condescending. Those negative traits are theirs, not yours.

Remember that hurt people hurt people. But empowered women empower women.

You are far more valuable, special and important than the things that have happened to you. It doesn’t matter how big or small. It’s okay to be sad and even clinically effected from trauma, but once we are aware of what we need, we can be responsible for our actions, emotions and behavior, we can unlock our reason and purpose. If you feel a part of you is missing, it’s not, just take it back and reclaim it. I’m simply reminding you that you are strong, you are more than your experiences… you are you, the only one in the whole world who owns your body, heart and mind. The only one in the the world who decides what’s right for you. You are already special different and important, you don’t even have to try. We all have invaluable inherent worth, we already have everything we need to be worthy just by breathing, being alive, loving and respecting each other.